So this blog has happy in the title – which is something I haven’t really addressed up until now. What does happiness have to do with a weight loss blog? Everything and yet nothing all at the same time? Is this really a weight loss blog – where does my true struggle lie? Is this a bunch of jibberish or does it make any sense.
So let me ask myself a question what came first my struggle get happy or my struggle with my weight? Easy – the struggle to get happy. I wasn’t always overweight in fact quite the opposite – I was tiny growing up. Hubby saw a picture of me when I was 12 and told me I looked anorexic (yes I know that’s not PC but it is what he said). I dug up my old pictures looking for photo proof – but really couldn’t find any. I did however get a good laugh from some of the pictures.
I started high school at about 110 pounds. I steadily gained weight throughout high school – not noticing or caring for whatever reason. Maybe because I always pictured myself as the tiny girl I was growing up. Before I left for college I finally saw what was happening and decided to start exercising and trying to eat healthier. Not as regularly as I should but I was. However – that all changed when I went to college – and I gained the freshman 15. Not to rehash my struggles with my weight – if you want to read that post see here.
My struggle with unhappiness started in grade school. I was diagnosed with ADD in 4th grade. I am not the picture of ADD or AD/HD (as the “proper” term is now) that anyone would think of. In fact quite the opposite, which is quite common in girls. One of the biggest problems this caused for me is the lack of social skills. Which led to me getting bullied in the 7th and 8th grade. Not to go into all the details but that still has a significant effect on my life today. I always find myself wondering what everyone is thinking about me and can manage to conjure up something negative in everyone’s mind for every situation. Me currently being overweight makes this all the easier for me to do. As even if I can’t think of anything else negative (which I most surely can) they can always think how ugly I am.
This habit has also led to an immense fear of trying or doing new things. Which leads me to back to my weight loss journey. After that lovely (or not) post I wrote on the 16th I did a whole lot of nothing. After my Vegas trip I decided to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get moving on this whole weightloss thing. I was going to track my food and start exercising.
So where am I now – well I’m tracking my food but I am struggling with exercise. Tracking my food is easy – I can do it and no one needs to know (although hubby does know). Plus I love trying out new recipes and cooking and am working at finding healthier ones. However exercise is something new that scares the hell out of me. It leaves room for people to judge me. Running – people could see me and lord knows what they might think and going to the gym – I’m scared to look stupid even walking into the damn place- where do I scan my card, do I just walk in, I went down the wrong stairs, people are going to laugh at me – these are just some of the many thoughts that run through my mind.
However, the tough reality of it is if I’m going to lose weight I need to exercise. If I want to be happy and functional again I also need to exercise. The only time in my life I successfully lost weight and kept it off was my sophomore-junior year of college. How did I do it? The Exercise trifecta – cardio, weight training, and stretching. No calorie counting, no diet. And now for the tie in: it was also probably the happiest I’ve been in a long time (aside from when I started dating hubby).
So the moral of the story is even if it scares me shitless (and yes I know my reasons are silly) I need to get moving.